Bookish Blerd

Emotionally draining.

Today my mama drove me and my girls to visit with my Bubi.  It was a surprise for her and seeing the elation on her face when she saw us all at her door...it nearly brought me to tears.  She hugged me so hard and for so long that my girls started to feel left out.  She's been ill lately, and is very stubborn about listening to the regimen the doctors have laid out for her.  I know you are not supposed to have favorites, but not only is she the grandparent I've always been the closest to, she's the only one I have left.

Over the years, I've been to the funerals of my paternal great grandmother, paternal grandmother, both grandfathers and two uncles.  Seven years ago I nearly lost my best friend--my soulmate to a clogged artery and was a total basket case sitting in a surgical waiting room for over six hour just waiting to hear if he was okay.  Nine months ago a misogynistic, xenophobic, racist madman won the presidency of my country and I had to hold my daughter as she cried, fearing she'd be forced into a conversion camp because the future vice president believes in them.  A few weeks later, I lost my father.  Six weeks ago I lost my [nearly] 18-year-old cat.  A week ago, my nephew's car, with my brother driving, burst into flames.  When my brother told me what happened, he said it was daddy that got him out of the car safely.  But it was a near thing.  

This afternoon, as we visited with the matriarch of the family, we went through bunches and bunches of photos.  There were so many happy and funny memories.  It was so nice seeing those photos, but it also reminded me of how much time has gone by, and how much I miss my pop, and how I'm not even close to being done grieving my daddy.  And I'm so messed up over my cat that I was triggered reading a few animal specific scenes in The Diabolic and I turned off Game of Thrones in the middle of an episode and never finished the rest off the season. (Don't want to spoil anyone, but if you watch the show, you probably know why.)

We all know death is a part of life.  There is no escape, and for some, like my Paw-Paw, it's a kindness.  And we try to keep the good times in mind, or say placating things like, "They're in a better place," or "They're not suffering anymore" but death still really effing sucks.  Especially when it piles on you one right after the other.

Seeing my mother scolding my Bubi for not keeping her oxygen on at all times just reminded me that I'll lose her too (possibly soon).  It gave me all the sad feels.  Especially when mama called me later to say thanks for today and to remind me that she loves me and my bro very much.

I don't spend nearly enough time with my family.  So I guess this is me venting my sadness and reminding everyone to spend time with your loved ones while they're still with you--or while you're still with them.