<!-- wp:paragraph --> many things going through my head this week.  We are still in the middle of a pandemic, which is frightening.  I take public transportation to work and the fear that I will contract COVID-19 and bring it home to my family worries me to say the least.  But that is not my biggest worry.


As a woman of color, I feel a little twinge of fear every time I step outside my home-- hell, I probably shouldn't even feel safe at home considering what has happened to other people of color, minding their business at home.  It is the year 2020 and black people, brown people, all people of color, immigrants, we all live in fear.


Why?   Why do people have so much hate in their hearts?  Why hate someone because of who the love, what religion they practice, the color of their skin or their country or origin?  I wish I could understand it, but if it could be understood, it could be fixed.

I am a good person.  I try to be.  Yes, I'm also an asshole, but that part usually comes out when provoked.  And if I hurt someone I try to make amends.  I work two jobs. I have been with the same man for 27 years and we have two amazing daughters.  We have taught them right from wrong and how to be good people.  And lately they are teaching us about the world today, social justice, what it's like to be children of mixed race.  They will never have my experience as a black woman, but I will never know what it's like to be caught between two worlds.  And my poor husband... He tries his best to understand, but as a white man, he never truly will.  But the fact that he tries is what makes him a good husband and father, a good man.


We work, pay bills and taxes, help our neighbors.  We love each other, we drive each other crazy.  We feed and care for stray animals.  I donate to charity and various causes when I have the means.   We are not perfect, I am not perfect, but I'm always striving to be a better me.


So why, in the year 2020, do I have twinges of fear every time I see police?  I am not a criminal. I shouldn't feel this way.  I should not fear for my family members, especially the males.  My brother. My nephew. My cousins. My uncles. My friends.


I should never be ashamed of my skin. And I should never fear for my life because of my skin.  As no one should feel fear for how they pray, how they identify, who the love.  We are supposed to be better than our past.  And while it may not be worse, it certainly feels worse.  I think I felt safer walking around in the 1980s than I do now.  Is it because I'm older and smart enough to have concern?  Or is it because we as a people have gotten bolder and more vocal in our hatred? I think I liked it better when people called me nigger behind my back. You knew how people felt back then, but the words and actions hurt so much more now.


What do I do? What do we do? How many necks have to be kneeled on before people not only admit we have a problem, but actually make efforts to fix the problem? What happens if my brother or nephew or cousin or friend is the next one suffocated begging for air, for their mother, for help? When will it stop? When will we feel safe again... Only I've never really felt safe. I'm black and I'm a woman, there is no safety for me.  Whether it's because I'm black or because I'm a woman, I fear harassment on a daily basis.  I shouldn't.


We need to be better. All of us. White, black, brown and everything in between.  All lives matter when black, lives matter, when brown lives matter, when POC lives matter, when lgbtqia lives matter, when trans lives matter, when women's lives matter...  We all matter and it's long past time we all act like it.


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